more beginnings...

I read over yesterday's blog post, and it seemed incomplete. I intentionally had kept it rather short because I didn't want to bore my readership. Then I had the obvious realization that my readership is only 2 people, and that they probably love me enough to keep reading, so.... E & Nick, this is for you! :D


From yesterday's post, you are beginning to understand my dilemma. I am 26, going on 27, and up until now I have managed to get by in the professional world. But things keep dawning on me, and I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore them. Like the fact that, when I am at the office, I have to be so completely un-myself. I’ve decided it might be a worthy exercise for me to try and figure out 1) the things I am. 2) the things I am not. and 3) the things I want to be, and can therefore work on cultivating. I got this idea from a book I’ve been reading, and highly recommend, called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I have immensely enjoyed reading this book. Rubin’s insights aren’t ground-breaking, but, there are so many things she reminds us of that we tend to forget. Plus, she breaks up her search for happiness into projects, which is far easier for me to wrap my mind around, rather than, say, some kind of huge personal quest for meaning. That just sounds overwhelming. I admit I haven’t finished The Happiness Project yet - I actually get such a good feeling from reading it, that I’m scared to finish it because I don’t want it to end. Today I decided that’s just silly, so I’m going to eat it up ASAP.... and then just start from the beginning again. :)
Anyway, the point is that Gretchen Rubin has a mantra that she keeps repeating in her book, which is BE GRETCHEN. When you embrace the things you are and the things you enjoy, rather than trying to embrace the things you think you SHOULD be, or SHOULD enjoy, it opens up this wonderful space to BE who you love, and DO what you love. Seems like one of the highest goals you could shoot for. And this isn’t an exercise in pleasure-seeking - it’s about finding the best version of yourself, as you see it.
I think this is why I’ve always had trouble writing blogs. I have wanted to have a blog for YEARS now, and have had many failed attempts. But I think the problem is that I was always trying to spin it a certain way:
I’ll create a blog that catalogues my perfect little marriage and our awesome life near the beach. (Oh wait, my marriage isn’t anywhere CLOSE to perfect.)
I’ll create a blog about being a vegan. (Vegan? Me? For more than 2 months? hahahahahaha...)
I’ll create a blog about all the awesome places we travel. (The problem here is that, while my husband is great at exploring, I like to use vacations to, well, eat, sleep & lay by the pool. This doesn’t exactly make for exciting blogs.) 

But feeling out of place, searching, and self-reflecting... these are the things I know. These are the things I live with, day in and day out. It might sound exhausting to you, I think my husband would probably agree with you, but, for me it’s my way of being. I have to question things, and ponder things, and research ever more, just for me to feel like I’ve scratched the surface of what might be the answer to my many, many questions. And the question, that has now been plaguing for a few years... first as a passing thought and now as a yelling voice in my head, is what do I want to do for the rest of my life??
So, to begin my list, I jotted down a few things this morning of what I think I AM:

clumsy
outspoken
loving

Those are the only three that I’m sure of for the time being. I’m sure many others will come to mind, but I’ll only commit adjectives to this list if I really and truly can embrace them as being a fundamental part of who I am. Here are some things I think I am not:

detail-oriented 

Ok I'm sure there are a TON more things I am not (friends... you want to help me out here?) but I know I can be a bit of a chameleon in terms of personality, so it's harder for me to commit things to this list. Finally, some things I want to be:

friendly (I think the only thing that holds me back from this sometimes is self-consciousness)

open

creative

passionate

fearless

Again, I'm sure there are others, but I stalled after those 5, so that's probably an indication I can stop for now. I actually made strides on the friendliness thing today. I go to my local grocery store on a pretty regular basis, and today I struck up a conversation with one of the clerks who I always notice when I go in. She's worked there for TEN YEARS!! And her name is Rebecca. It's not much, but it's a start. I really have the urge to be friendly with everyone, it's just the thought that people might not be friendly back that always stops me. Today I realized how silly that is. For one, I think most people are glad to have someone acknowledge them and try to make a human connection, and two, who cares if they doesn't respond in an equally friendly manner? Maybe they're shy, or they are socially awkward... hey, even if it's just because they don't like the way I look, at least I'm putting it out there that I'll be a friend if they ever need it. 

Hmmmm... professional friend. Is that a job? ...I'll take it!!

All for now... thoughts/comments welcomed. 

Love.