Tuesday, August 31, 2010

my blog title

I had quite a few (bad) ideas of what I could name my blog, among them:

26 going on 12 (because that's how I feel most of the time. but this isn't a Jennifer Garner movie.)
the naive girl in the business world (too long - although true most of the time)
in search of me (grossly self-absorbed. and just, ew.)

There were some other considerations which came disturbingly close to becoming my blog title, but I firmly believe that sometimes other people express who I am (and what I'm going through) better than I can. So I turned to a poet that my friend recently introduced me to, Mary Oliver.

The Journey


One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

more beginnings...

I read over yesterday's blog post, and it seemed incomplete. I intentionally had kept it rather short because I didn't want to bore my readership. Then I had the obvious realization that my readership is only 2 people, and that they probably love me enough to keep reading, so.... E & Nick, this is for you! :D


From yesterday's post, you are beginning to understand my dilemma. I am 26, going on 27, and up until now I have managed to get by in the professional world. But things keep dawning on me, and I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore them. Like the fact that, when I am at the office, I have to be so completely un-myself. I’ve decided it might be a worthy exercise for me to try and figure out 1) the things I am. 2) the things I am not. and 3) the things I want to be, and can therefore work on cultivating. I got this idea from a book I’ve been reading, and highly recommend, called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I have immensely enjoyed reading this book. Rubin’s insights aren’t ground-breaking, but, there are so many things she reminds us of that we tend to forget. Plus, she breaks up her search for happiness into projects, which is far easier for me to wrap my mind around, rather than, say, some kind of huge personal quest for meaning. That just sounds overwhelming. I admit I haven’t finished The Happiness Project yet - I actually get such a good feeling from reading it, that I’m scared to finish it because I don’t want it to end. Today I decided that’s just silly, so I’m going to eat it up ASAP.... and then just start from the beginning again. :)
Anyway, the point is that Gretchen Rubin has a mantra that she keeps repeating in her book, which is BE GRETCHEN. When you embrace the things you are and the things you enjoy, rather than trying to embrace the things you think you SHOULD be, or SHOULD enjoy, it opens up this wonderful space to BE who you love, and DO what you love. Seems like one of the highest goals you could shoot for. And this isn’t an exercise in pleasure-seeking - it’s about finding the best version of yourself, as you see it.
I think this is why I’ve always had trouble writing blogs. I have wanted to have a blog for YEARS now, and have had many failed attempts. But I think the problem is that I was always trying to spin it a certain way:
I’ll create a blog that catalogues my perfect little marriage and our awesome life near the beach. (Oh wait, my marriage isn’t anywhere CLOSE to perfect.)
I’ll create a blog about being a vegan. (Vegan? Me? For more than 2 months? hahahahahaha...)
I’ll create a blog about all the awesome places we travel. (The problem here is that, while my husband is great at exploring, I like to use vacations to, well, eat, sleep & lay by the pool. This doesn’t exactly make for exciting blogs.) 

But feeling out of place, searching, and self-reflecting... these are the things I know. These are the things I live with, day in and day out. It might sound exhausting to you, I think my husband would probably agree with you, but, for me it’s my way of being. I have to question things, and ponder things, and research ever more, just for me to feel like I’ve scratched the surface of what might be the answer to my many, many questions. And the question, that has now been plaguing for a few years... first as a passing thought and now as a yelling voice in my head, is what do I want to do for the rest of my life??
So, to begin my list, I jotted down a few things this morning of what I think I AM:

clumsy
outspoken
loving

Those are the only three that I’m sure of for the time being. I’m sure many others will come to mind, but I’ll only commit adjectives to this list if I really and truly can embrace them as being a fundamental part of who I am. Here are some things I think I am not:

detail-oriented 

Ok I'm sure there are a TON more things I am not (friends... you want to help me out here?) but I know I can be a bit of a chameleon in terms of personality, so it's harder for me to commit things to this list. Finally, some things I want to be:

friendly (I think the only thing that holds me back from this sometimes is self-consciousness)
open
creative
passionate
fearless

Again, I'm sure there are others, but I stalled after those 5, so that's probably an indication I can stop for now. I actually made strides on the friendliness thing today. I go to my local grocery store on a pretty regular basis, and today I struck up a conversation with one of the clerks who I always notice when I go in. She's worked there for TEN YEARS!! And her name is Rebecca. It's not much, but it's a start. I really have the urge to be friendly with everyone, it's just the thought that people might not be friendly back that always stops me. Today I realized how silly that is. For one, I think most people are glad to have someone acknowledge them and try to make a human connection, and two, who cares if they doesn't respond in an equally friendly manner? Maybe they're shy, or they are socially awkward... hey, even if it's just because they don't like the way I look, at least I'm putting it out there that I'll be a friend if they ever need it. 
Hmmmm... professional friend. Is that a job? ...I'll take it!!
All for now... thoughts/comments welcomed. 

Love. 


Sunday, August 29, 2010

let's begin at the beginning

The reason I'm writing this blog, is that for some time now I've had the sneaking suspicion I might be in the wrong profession. Scratch that, let me re-phrase. I am in the wrong profession. It's not that I don't like my job, or the people I work with, it's that, fundamentally, I feel out of place. Although I've known since, I think, almost the beginning of my career in the corporate world that this would not be a life-long thing for me, at the time there seemed to be a possibility that maybe, just maybe, I could act like a normal person long enough to become a manager of something or another. Because that's what successful people do; they manage other people. At least, that's how it works in my head. At this point, 4 years out of college, it is becoming painfully obvious that I will never manage anyone.... ever.


Case Study #1. An email I recently received:

"The documents are short and looking forward, most belong with X for process ownership, oversight and rewrite.  Y worked too independently and as I review the presentation, wonder who vetted this and authorized the information exchange."


I read the paragraph above, and my first thought was, I never want to talk like this. It’s well-written, concise, and conveys a meaningful message, but still, I never want to talk like this. It’s business jargon, as simple as that. At least, I know in my day to day life I never use phrases like “process ownership” and “information exchange.” It’s as if I spoke English all my life and suddenly you wanted me to learn Portuguese. There’s nothing wrong with Portuguese, it’s beautiful in its own way, and it serves a purpose. But I don’t ever have plans to go to Portugal, do you see what I’m saying? The point is, instead of thinking ohhhh, I hope one day I can sound this professional, I thought, someone shoot me if I ever sound like this. (In real life, I would LOVE to go to Portugal. Maybe I should akin this more to picking up a New Jersey accent?) 


I couldn't figure out why my reaction was so negative to this email. I very much respect the person who wrote it - I consider them an incredibly intelligent, professional, and personable individual. There was certainly nothing offensive in the email. But then it hit me, this isn't who I am, and more importantly, it's not who I want to become. I have no desire to be a business professional. Which in some ways, is a great realization, because it means I've at least narrowed down my life choices by one. Business - out. That only leaves academics, technical jobs, artistic jobs, non-profit work.... well, the list goes on. So here starts the long, hard journey of finding a purpose in something else, and hopefully a profession along with it. Making a living by doing what you love - that's the dream, right?  What I'm hoping is that there are other people out there, facing the same dilemma, who might take comfort in knowing they're not alone. In knowing that some of us just aren't cut out for the jobs we're doing, and that's OK. In addition, that it's a WORTHWHILE GOAL to set out trying to find the things you love to do, because ultimately what you love is what you will excel at.  


Cheers.